miscarriage

Too many to count. The heart break and ache each time. The fear that comes with being pregnant and knowing you could lose the baby at any moment is unbearable. Retracing every step of the last one so you avoid doing ANY of the same things. Even from simply eating "too many apples" or to staying in bed the whole first trimester because you don't want to over do it.

My last miscarriage was at 16 weeks. It was horrible. My mothers words still ring in my ears today "Its your fault".

My whole pregnancy with Blaine, I refused to tell anyone until I was past 16 weeks. I didn't buy a single thing for him until the week I was due. I didn't unbox or set anything up in his room until days before my c-section.

After he was born and still now I fear losing him in a way a mother who has lost children before she met them can only understand.

So many women are effected by this loss and so many women suffer alone, in silence and stuck in their own heads.

Doing an outfit for a rainbow baby last week gave me so much joy for the mother, but at the same time understanding what is lying just beneath that joy.

I personally didn't do rainbow baby stuff and still wont, its a fear of jinxing it, a fear of losing what you now hold in your arms.

There isn't much support for moms, we are supposed to just get over it an move on, its not like it was "really here anyway".

A loss is a loss is a loss period! I don't care if its a miscarriage, a still born, an infant death, the loss of a child, an adoption plan or (yes I am going to say this hear and no I don't care on anyone else opinion on it) an abortion medical or otherwise. Grief is what comes after. A grief only a mother can know at any state in the pregnancy.

Every tear you cry now and then, every fear you have now and then, every anxiety,  every guilty feeling, every belittling word you tell yourself, we get it! Those of us who are in this special club get it! We get it! We get the jealousy of seeing other moms, and then feeling bad about it because your supposed to be happy for them and you are but....your heart yearns for what they have.

You are not alone, not today, not ever! Reach out even if its an online support group reach out and find comfort in knowing you are not alone, your thoughts and feelings are normal!!!