First steps

These doors, I have stood outside doors just like these a couple times this week. I have been in front of these doors before, this isn't my first time taking these "first steps". Taking the first steps even the second, third or for the hundredth time seems to never get easier.

I know what is inside these doors that will never change, I know behind these doors there is nothing to fear. There is understanding, love, warmth and total confidential.

Behind these doors tho comes with admitting that as strong as you are, as much as you do EVERYTHING on your own, that you don't need anyone and you can do it your damn self mentality, you can't do this alone because alone means doing the same damn behaviours over and over again. Alone means allowing the same damn behaviours to happen to you over and over again. Alone means standing still and not moving forward with the flow of life.

Now through these doors isn't easy, it is only for the strong, it isn't perfection, it isn't knowing everything, it isn't doing the right things EVERY DAY. What it is, is know you are strong, it is knowing you can do better and will do better. It is expecting better for YOU! It is knowing you deserve better. It is knowing that you are worth it. You are worth being better for YOU!

Logically I know all this, I have said these words to other women a million times. I have healed myself more than once and I know I am strong enough to do it again and know that if I work hard every day I will still slip and I will fall but I can and will get back up. Logically I know all this. I am the one that picks others up. I am the one who has been there done that and knows through experience and here I am, the one needing to take these steps.

 My heart and stomach seem to think other things at the moment.

I can tell myself a million things and understand them logically including that it is okay to be here....again. It is okay to need the support even though I am the supporter. It is OKAY

I am worth my time, the time I give everyone else, the support I give everyone else, the things I do for everyone else. I am worth all those thing!!! Now to just convince myself lol

Today is different, today I walk through these doors. I take a deep breath in and take those steps, only because a women seen me and started to talk to me and now yes I have to go in lol.


YOU are worth those first steps!

poop

My posts lately have been a little hard core and a bit hard to swallow especially if you are not ready for those topics. With that being said, those posts will continue to come because today YOU might not want/need to hear what is said in them but someone else might.

Well this post is far from hard to swallow, well unless you are swallowing poop, then it might be.

Either way, we all know it has been wet and gross and muddy. We all know what happens to dog poop in this weather and like any other normal swamped person I don't do dog poop EVERYDAY. I know shock and awe, its supposed to be done EVERYDAY, well whoever said that is full of....POOP.

We have a dog kiddie corner to us. He isn't the friendliest of sorts with our dogs and that is okay, but this lead to me running out back and dragging my guys in as to not bark too much and drive the the already crazy neighbours even more batty.

Well this spring I have my new pair of slippers, the ones we couldn't figure out if it was a bear or dog or what on earth it was supposed to me. They were a casualty of me running around the yard not watching where I was going chasing my 200lbs dog who believes that this is all fun and games, while my foster looked at us like we were nuts. I am sure right along with EVERYONE who was looking out their back windows at the crazy lady in slippers yelling at a 200lbs dog that is not funny, this is not a game while said 200lbs dog has the biggest grin on his face loving every minute of it. Did I mention it was raining.....SIGH

I get in the house and have to toss my slippers because can you wash them, of course not why would I buy washable slippers lol. 

Once again last week here I am chasing this 200lbs dog around the yard who thinks it is the best time in the world while the neighbours dogs barks and growls and anyone looking out their windows is laughing and recording the crazy lady with her 200lbs dog. Once again it is raining! Oh and this time I am wearing my new shoes! Yes my brand new shoes, why on earth do I even do that.

I come in the house and my shoes have poop on them, up side they can be washed. Down side I am soaked and annoyed and Bossoc is supper happy because he just had the time of his life...AGAIN. Gus isn't sure what the hell is going on but he is wet and unhappy about it.

I "ASK" Richard to wash shoes because I had asked him the day before to do poop (its done like every other day unless we have a mountain of dogs), he says he did , I beg to differ, I put my shoes in the unfinished bathtub and ask him to wash them off.

It is now week 2, I have been wearing my hiking shoes (They needed broken in anyway) and I am not washing my shoes on principal, well at least the first day it was on principal, the rest of days have just been because I had forgotten that they are in there and need to be washed. Eventually I will get to washing them just like I get to everything else, likely when I repeat the task and chasing Bossco and stepping in poop once again.

Yes I am laughing, yes I think it is all too funny! Even in the moment soaked chasing my dog its funny because well if you can not laugh at your soaking wet, dog chasing, poop stepping self what else can you laugh at :)

miscarriage

Too many to count. The heart break and ache each time. The fear that comes with being pregnant and knowing you could lose the baby at any moment is unbearable. Retracing every step of the last one so you avoid doing ANY of the same things. Even from simply eating "too many apples" or to staying in bed the whole first trimester because you don't want to over do it.

My last miscarriage was at 16 weeks. It was horrible. My mothers words still ring in my ears today "Its your fault".

My whole pregnancy with Blaine, I refused to tell anyone until I was past 16 weeks. I didn't buy a single thing for him until the week I was due. I didn't unbox or set anything up in his room until days before my c-section.

After he was born and still now I fear losing him in a way a mother who has lost children before she met them can only understand.

So many women are effected by this loss and so many women suffer alone, in silence and stuck in their own heads.

Doing an outfit for a rainbow baby last week gave me so much joy for the mother, but at the same time understanding what is lying just beneath that joy.

I personally didn't do rainbow baby stuff and still wont, its a fear of jinxing it, a fear of losing what you now hold in your arms.

There isn't much support for moms, we are supposed to just get over it an move on, its not like it was "really here anyway".

A loss is a loss is a loss period! I don't care if its a miscarriage, a still born, an infant death, the loss of a child, an adoption plan or (yes I am going to say this hear and no I don't care on anyone else opinion on it) an abortion medical or otherwise. Grief is what comes after. A grief only a mother can know at any state in the pregnancy.

Every tear you cry now and then, every fear you have now and then, every anxiety,  every guilty feeling, every belittling word you tell yourself, we get it! Those of us who are in this special club get it! We get it! We get the jealousy of seeing other moms, and then feeling bad about it because your supposed to be happy for them and you are but....your heart yearns for what they have.

You are not alone, not today, not ever! Reach out even if its an online support group reach out and find comfort in knowing you are not alone, your thoughts and feelings are normal!!!

Velveteen Rabbit

Nightmares and still cry even when I think about it. I wont ever own it or read to any child because of what it does to me.

The Velveteen Rabbit, I swear is one of the worlds saddest children's books.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/628169387/a-little-golden-book-the-velveteen

I had the exact book in the photo above.

Its about a toy rabbit that becomes a real rabbit. That isn't the horrible part. This boy gets the bunny for Christmas but ignores it for better toys and the bunny gets tossed aside. Well it just so happens later on the boy loves this toy and it goes everywhere with him they become best friends. The boy gets very very sick and the stuffed bunny never leaves his side. Well the doctor orders all this toys and room to be burned and disenfected including his favourite stuffed bunny.

The poor bunny is tossed into a sack and left in the garden where the boy and the rabbit spent most of their time having picnics and playing together, he cries and images the times they had together. The rabbit fairy comes and turns him into a real rabbit.

I don't know why this book has the memories it has, or why it has stuck with me my whole life. Or why I am even crying right now as I write this.

It's odd how some things from your childhood still effect you today.

What book did you read as a child that you hated or can't read again?

Spotify random!

I love this game! I also love this app. I use it with my Alexa. No I didn't get the free google home mini from Spotify. I guess I missed it!

Today I picked Daily mix for you

Blue Ain't Your Color by Keith Urban

I don't even know where I first heard this song, but I do like it. I like most things by Keith Urban

Vice by Miranda Lambert

I love her music, I know the words to almost all of her songs. Its just the kind of music you can belt out no matter what your mood

Yeah Boy by Kelsea Ballerini

There is actually a funny story with this song. I only caught part of it on 107.1  I missed the title and the artist and their website wasn't working right for recently played. I messaged the radio station with only a couple of the lyrics and about the time it was played. The only lyrics I remember was make the moon jealous and google was no help. A few hours later I was shocked when the radio station replied to me!!! I had never heard of this artist before or the song. But I love it!


I love the way you love me by John Michael Montgomery

His music breaks my break. I LOVE it I know that sounds horrible but its something about his voice, the way he sings and the songs he picks to sing!

Well apparently my spotify has decided that today I need to listen to country only. not sure if thats a good or bad thing lol.

Strawberry Wine  by Deana Carter

This song is from my childhood and my mom. Its a great song still today

Girl by Maren Morris

This song lyrics speak me. It is me.

OMG of course this one

Honky Tonk Badonkadonk by Trace Adkins

This is just a funny song. I love this artist too.

Bless the broken road by Rascal Flatts

I think spotify is trying to tell me something today :S

Different for Girls by Dierks Bentley 

So true!

Chattahoochee by Alan Jackson

Well not this is my childhood lol. Oh boy now spotify is making me old!!!


What does your spotify random look like?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Every time I hear this question I picture the 1990's Barney Tv show that my sister used to watch. Which you can see here to bring back all those wonderful memories.

https://barneyfriends.fandom.com/wiki/When_I_Grow_Up...

When I was a child I wanted to be a teacher or work with children in some way. As I grew up my idea of what I wanted changed more than once. Working with children in someway was always something I wanted to do, but never ended up going down that path. I have had many children cross my path throughout the years and I have been blessed to be able to help them along their road.

About 13 years ago I got the idea stuck in me somewhere I don't know where lol, my head, heart whatever. I ran a successful bakery for about 10 years until and even after my accident until the ability to even roll out dough became too much.

Don't get me wrong I love with all my heart sewing and creating the beautiful outfits and other items we do. I love the look on the children's faces when they can be batman or a princess or when I hand them a custom shirt. But deep down I have always wanted a bakery that gave back to the community.

Working with children directly isn't something I get to do but with homeschooling I get to work with my child!! I also run field trips and other fun events for the homeschool groups.

As I was writing this I realized I do get to work with children. I co-run the homeschool co-op I teach the little ones on Fridays.

Its funny how that has gone so I guess I am doing my childhood dream job on Fridays at co-op!

Yes I say when I grow up because each and everyday we are growing, I don't think as long as we have a passion for learning and growing that you ever "grow up".

I also don't think you are ever too old or to young to follow your dreams.

Will I ever have a bakery, maybe, but for today I have a business that I am proud of and that gives back through donations for events, auctions and those type of things.

Once in a while I get asked to make a cake, cupcakes or other deserts and it makes me miss the doing them daily. Maybe one day I will own that little Pink and Black bakery/cafe that gives back.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
What did you want to be when you were a child?

Summer bucket list!

Do you have a seasonal bucket list? I do, I write a new one each year in my bullet journal. Sometimes I get them done sometimes I don't but it is awesome for those days when you are not sure what you want to do. Kind of like a bored jar full of ideas.


When the weather is nice closer to late spring and all of summer I spend as much time outdoors as possible. I even work outside to get more time out there. When you live in Canada and the weather goes from 20 degrees one day to -5 degrees the very next day you tend to soak in as much nice weather as you can while it is here.

My summer bucket bucket list

--Beach!!!
We live in a city with water and beaches EVERYWHERE so not getting to beach is not an option. We try to go during the week so that they are not as crowded so we can enjoy it without being elbow to elbow with everyone in the city.

--Hike
Our Province has so many beautiful trails and green spaces if you don't hike you don't know what your missing out on. A few of trails I would love to either do again or do for the first time are: Flower Pot Island, Mystery Falls Trails, Killarney,and Frontenac.


--Weekly fun trips with the kids.
Some of the places we plan to visit we do as homeschool trips but the girls don't get to go with us on those because they are in school. Children's museum, Science North, Day out with Thomas, African Lion safari, Santa's village, Legoland, Niagara Children's Museum, Randos ranch and storybook gardens.



--Tent Camping!
I haven't attempted to take Blaine tent camping just yet so I am hoping this year I am able to.


--Drive in
We have one not to far from here and I have never been. It is something I have always wanted to do.

--Fishing
I love fishing and I am lucky enough to have a son who loves it too.


--St.Jacobs Market
This year will be the year I finally make it to the market EVERYONE talks about.



--Gardening
Not much to say here


--Visit every park in town at least once


--Visit all the splash pads everywhere


--Slow down and enjoy life more


--Do the Ontario Ice Cream tour

--Take lots of photos


--Visit family


--Paint slip and slide!


--Pick strawberries


And so so much more!!!

Do you know any secret trails?