Every time you hear sirens you hope it isn't for them. In your heart you will never stop loving them but its time they stop hitting you instead of their rock bottom.
You start to believe the lies they tell you daily about yourself. You start to believe their really are people out to get him, hiding in closets and the backyard, staring at him from the streets, cars driving by over and over and the noises.
Forgive more times than you can count, give more chances than you can remember. You protect them, do everything you can build them up, do everything in your power and make them happy, make sure there would be no reason for them to want that high, or act that way.
You walk on egg shells, stop talking to people either because he thinks there is stuff going on or because it is just easier than trying to hide the fact there is a problem.
Loving them is killing you, eating your soul. You stand up and fight back, your the bad guy. You allow them to fall and it all becomes your fault.
Drugs don't only steal their minds but their bodies as well, they are a shell inside and out of the man you once knew. You don't recognize them or even yourself anymore.
You don't do drugs or drink or even have fun for fear something might upset the apple cart. You don't do drugs but they are ruining you not only the addict, inside and out for you too.
You too need recovery and just like for them that doesn't mean just quitting the drugs, that means getting help for you. That means focusing on you, for once! It doesn't mean leaving them I know we all fear what will happen if you abandon them. But what happened when we abandoned ourselves?
Watching the man you love fall is the hardest, most stomaching sickening thing you will ever do, standing back and hoping this time it will be their rock bottom, hoping this time they will get clean, hoping this time will be it. You start living for the good days, then the good days become only good moments and you hang onto those moments for dear life.
You question what you did or what happened to cause the days or moments to change so drastically.
Being angry at them, nope you love them too much to be angry, you know they are sick, your heart aches and breaks for them. Watching them destroy everything that they had and staying hands off knowing that even if they do get and stay clean this time it is going to be a long hard road that they have to travel, you will travel along side of course and it will kill you and you will want to make it all go away but they have to feel this, ALL of it so they that being clean means something to them, that those memories of what it takes to get clean are enough to make them never want to travel down that road again.
You pray for the hard road, you pray that they get to travel down this road unlike so many who die without never knowing they are worth being clean, they are worth a better life.
Loving the addict will kill you if you allow it to, loving the addict who is living an addicted life will break you down, make you feel like nothing and when you try to even get a leg up they tare you down. Not because they are heartless, not because they are mean but because they feel so low about themselves they think everyone should feel the same.
You are allowed to be broken, you are allowed to care, you care allowed to love. You are not allowed to show it!!!
Enabling an addict will kill them!
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