killing with kindness

Enabling kills and you will kill them.

Choosing between killing yourself watching them or burying them before they have a chance to know peace is never easy.

We tell ourselves that we are protecting them, that this time our love will be enough. We tell ourselves that love can fix anything. No, no it can't, I don't know who invented that phrase but apparently they never met an addict. Unless maybe they were talking about self love, but I doubt that.

Your actions will kill them. You not allowing them to ever hit rock bottom, you not ever letting them fall and struggle to get back up. You not allowing them see how strong they really are and how worth it they really are, isn't showing them love at all.

We all do it, we lie for them, cover for them and protect them from anything that might trigger a bad reaction or them to plunge head first into their addictions. We live in a world where we walk on egg shells to try and prevent those triggers, here is the thing though, those triggers are going to happen no matter what we do.

When we prevent the addict from falling, when we prevent them from hitting that rock bottom we cause that bottom to get further away from them. The longer we stay under them, the longer it will take them to find their rock bottom and hopefully their own recovery.

We can be kind but not a door mat, we can be kind but the not peace keeper, we can be kind but not the buffer, and we can be kind but not in control.

Somehow, somewhere we confused kindness with permissiveness and self sacrifice Kindness doesn't mean protect them, it doesn't mean prevent bad things from happening to them, it doesn't mean "light ourselves on fire to warm them". What kindness means is listening, understanding, being there when they are ready, living our lives and allowing them to hit rock bottom before they die.

The thing is this type of kindness we have on the day to day for the addict will not only kill them but ourselves too and in the end they still wont be clean or sober and we will be just as broken as them or worse.

Show them kindness by going to meetings and invite them along, invite them to events etc, show them kindness by healing yourself so your strong enough when they are ready for the changes the will come (let me tell it is no picnic and sometimes you will think things were better before they got clean/sober), show them kindness by creating safe boundaries for you and your family, and show them kindness by allowing natural consequences to run their course.

You are going to want to fix everything and make it better, you are going to want to protect them, you are going to want to do all kinds of things for them, but this isn't kindness to an addict. To an addict this type of kindness is a reason for them to keep doing what they are doing, it is a reason for them to keep acting and treating people the way they always have, this kindness will kill them!

Yes, the real kindness is going to upset the apple cart, yes it is going to make them mad, it is going to make a lot of things happen. Make sure you are safe at all times, remember your safety and the safety of your family comes first if you are ever in danger call 911 right away.

The real kindness is going to lead down a scary road that is going to force you to stop focusing on them and their issues and start focusing on yours!

You got this! You are strong! Don't kill yourself or them with kindness!!!

Not your Hole!

I wrote this when I was in a stronger mindset, I wrote this before I got pulled down that hole again. I am posting this when I need to be strong again. I am posting this when I need to pull myself out of that hole.

There is an AA quote I remember from many years ago when my mom started AA. There is a man and he walks down the side walk and falls in a hole. The next day the man walks down the same side walk and falls in the same hole. The man blames the hole instead of crossing the road and walking on the side without any holes. This applies to doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

To me this works in a different light too, it works in a similar way as the addict you love falls in the hole every day and you can stand on the outside of the hole and work on your issues (yes we have issues and seriously ones too) and wait for the addict to hit the rocks at the bottom. We can stay on the outside but the moment we put our hand in the hole they will pull us down to bottom and use us to cushion their fall. We can stand on the outside and work on ourselves and one day we might see a head come above that hole, one day we might have to fill in that hole as we lay them to rest, or even walk away from the hole if we can not trust ourselves to not reach in. Some days you might hear them half way out and you can look in and say keep going you got this, but you can not reach in to aid them. They have to climb that hole on their own.

They made the hole, you didn't, they are either going to stay in it the rest of their lives or reach the top but either way ITS NOT YOUR HOLE!!!!

You may think but their mom, dad, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, dog, cat, or Albert from the first grade caused them so much pain that it's why they are in their hole and that's okay, but you still didn't put them there, its still not your hole.

You can water the grass and plant beautiful flowers all around that hole, its still not yours. You can make it the prettiest hole on the block it still wont force them out.

Only the addict can climb out of their hole, only the addict can stand proudly on their two feet on the outside of the hole. Its is not your recovery. Show them how beautiful recovery can be without rubbing it or gloating or nagging or anything else that you think might help. Just live, live your life. Be your beautiful self!

They will either join you in their own time or they wont and that is okay too. You are allowed to live your life!

Please remember the being there for them doesn't mean standing in the hole with them, or standing on the edge. It isn't being their to bail them out of jail or save their ass or cover for them. Also know that it is okay to walk away from the hole for your safety! Rocks come flying out of that hole at the speed of a jet plane, you don't have to stand and be hit by them you can move away. Be safe always!

So they will be homeless, broke and alone. That might be what they need you can not continue to be landed on if you want to heal yourself.

Its not your hole so get your ass out of it and plant some pretty fucking flowers.

Loving an addict

Every time you hear sirens you hope it isn't for them. In your heart you will never stop loving them but its time they stop hitting you instead of their rock bottom.

You start to believe the lies they tell you daily about yourself. You start to believe their really are people out to get him, hiding in closets and the backyard, staring at him from the streets, cars driving by over and over and the noises.

Forgive more times than you can count, give more chances than you can remember. You protect them, do everything you can build them up, do everything in your power and make them happy, make sure there would be no reason for them to want that high, or act that way.

You walk on egg shells, stop talking to people either because he thinks there is stuff going on or because it is just easier than trying to hide the fact there is a problem.

Loving them is killing you, eating your soul. You stand up and fight back, your the bad guy. You allow them to fall and it all becomes your fault.

Drugs don't only steal their minds but their bodies as well, they are a shell inside and out of the man you once knew. You don't recognize them or even yourself anymore.

You don't do drugs or drink or even have fun for fear something might upset the apple cart. You don't do drugs but they are ruining you not only the addict, inside and out for you too.

You too need recovery and just like for them that doesn't mean just quitting the drugs, that means getting help for you. That means focusing on you, for once! It doesn't mean leaving them I know we all fear what will happen if you abandon them. But what happened when we abandoned ourselves?

Watching the man you love fall is the hardest, most stomaching sickening thing you will ever do, standing back and hoping this time it will be their rock bottom, hoping this time they will get clean, hoping this time will be it. You start living for the good days, then the good days become only good moments and you hang onto those moments for dear life.

You question what you did or what happened to cause the days or moments to change so drastically.

Being angry at them, nope you love them too much to be angry, you know they are sick, your heart aches and breaks for them. Watching them destroy everything that they had and staying hands off knowing that even if they do get and stay clean this time it is going to be a long hard road that they have to travel, you will travel along side of course and it will kill you and you will want to make it all go away but they have to feel this, ALL of it so they that being clean means something to them, that those memories of what it takes to get clean are enough to make them never want to travel down that road again.

You pray for the hard road, you pray that they get to travel down this road unlike so many who die without never knowing they are worth being clean, they are worth a better life.

Loving the addict will kill you if you allow it to, loving the addict who is living an addicted life will break you down, make you feel like nothing and when you try to even get a leg up they tare you down. Not because they are heartless, not because they are mean but because they feel so low about themselves they think everyone should feel the same.


You are allowed to be broken, you are allowed to care, you care allowed to love. You are not allowed to show it!!!


Enabling an addict will kill them!