I leaned this one once my mom was in recovery, most things she learned bothered me because it felt as if she was saying things to make my feelings about anything matter less and I can still hear her voice "its not all about you" "thought comes first feelings come second" no matter what I had to say.
Its a cycle and this one can be a good cycle, a growing cycle.
I do not know any of my great grand parents so I can't speak to how they were raised.
My grandmother on my moms side grew up in a few different homes, she was beaten, raped and wasn't allowed to finish school. She had a horror show of a childhood.
My grandmother on my dads side was adopted as a baby and grew up in a loving home.
Both of my grandmothers had issues with drinking. My maternal grandmother was in and out of abusive relationships. I am not sure at what point she met Brad or when things changed for her but my childhood in her home with Brad had zero drinking, it was clean but she was a hoarder, she loved me without conditions. Both homes I felt love, warmth and acceptance.
I don't know my grandfather on my dads side.
I know very little about my grandfather on my moms side other than he worked all the time, spoiled my mother because she was the baby and possibly has children with another women.
Now the trickle down effect happens. Here is where their childhoods control how they raised my parents.
All of my grandparents were given limited tools on how to treat other people, how to raise children, how to get help for the things that they went through growing up. The following image is their toolbox. They have a hammer and that is all they have in there. So that means they use the tool only tool they have.
My father was loved very much but raised with a heavy hand. He got into a life style young of drugs and other things. My paternal grandmother at no fault of her own was blind to all of this and still is.
My mother was abused by my grandmothers partners, she had a horrid childhood and maybe it is the reason she had me so young and married so young.
In my home as a child it was chaos, there was yelling and screaming, hitting, abuse, drinking, drugs, my mom would go between going back to my dad and other partners. When she wasn't working or going to school, she was out doing whatever. I mainly was raised at my grandmothers house. As I grew up and she was with my stepdad the drinking got worse and so did everything else. My mom never hit me. She used how she was raised to raise me better than she was raised. But didn't fix any of broken tools you was given.
My dad wasn't part of my life much. He was in and out and I protected my sister from his lifestyle and lies.
I fought to protect my sister from anything and everything that was happening in our lives. Today I do not regret protecting her from those things but at the same time she has limited knowledge of them and so she can not grow them those situations.
Taking EVERYTHING from how my parents were raised to how I was raised, I learned. I got help for many of my issues, yes I still have coping mechanisms but not nearly as many as I would have had if I was not aware that I would not raise my child/children the way I was raised.
From the moment of the first child in my home to today I am always reading and learning and putting as many tools in their toolboxes as I can so they can continue the cycle of growing and learning and pass these on to their children.
I do not hit, I do not yell, love is freely given in my home. They will never know the fear of being hungry, the fear of not knowing where I am or what I am doing. They will never have the fear of what mood I am going to be in, they will never fear my "friends", they will never fear anything.
Yes my mom put many tools in my tool box and some of them I use but I replaced the handle on the hammer, I love without conditions. I replaced the screwdriver head, I listen without judgement. I replaced the saw blade, I hug and show affection.
I have learned that we can have a full toolbox but if it is filled with rusty broken tools it wont do anyone any good we have to be willing to replace parts of those tools and throw out the ones that don't work at all anymore in order to keep our cycle growing towards good things.
We can't hang on to those broken tools just because our parents gave them to us, we can't hang onto those rusty tools just because we survived them. We want to give our children better useful tools that they can use and pass on to their children.
If we don't change, adapt and over come our pasts we will just pass a toolbox of broken, rusted tools on to our children.
I don't want to hear "well my parents", "it was good enough", "I lived" all those phrases tell me are you don't want better for your children. That you are somehow wanting them to tapper out where you are. Wanting more and wanting better for our children then what we had shows growth.
It's not about giving them all the toys we never had but equipping them with all of life's tools that we were never given, never had!
We know better now so we must go forward and do better!!!
What tools do you have from your childhood? What tools do you want to leave your children?
#parentingquotes
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