killing with kindness

Enabling kills and you will kill them.

Choosing between killing yourself watching them or burying them before they have a chance to know peace is never easy.

We tell ourselves that we are protecting them, that this time our love will be enough. We tell ourselves that love can fix anything. No, no it can't, I don't know who invented that phrase but apparently they never met an addict. Unless maybe they were talking about self love, but I doubt that.

Your actions will kill them. You not allowing them to ever hit rock bottom, you not ever letting them fall and struggle to get back up. You not allowing them see how strong they really are and how worth it they really are, isn't showing them love at all.

We all do it, we lie for them, cover for them and protect them from anything that might trigger a bad reaction or them to plunge head first into their addictions. We live in a world where we walk on egg shells to try and prevent those triggers, here is the thing though, those triggers are going to happen no matter what we do.

When we prevent the addict from falling, when we prevent them from hitting that rock bottom we cause that bottom to get further away from them. The longer we stay under them, the longer it will take them to find their rock bottom and hopefully their own recovery.

We can be kind but not a door mat, we can be kind but the not peace keeper, we can be kind but not the buffer, and we can be kind but not in control.

Somehow, somewhere we confused kindness with permissiveness and self sacrifice Kindness doesn't mean protect them, it doesn't mean prevent bad things from happening to them, it doesn't mean "light ourselves on fire to warm them". What kindness means is listening, understanding, being there when they are ready, living our lives and allowing them to hit rock bottom before they die.

The thing is this type of kindness we have on the day to day for the addict will not only kill them but ourselves too and in the end they still wont be clean or sober and we will be just as broken as them or worse.

Show them kindness by going to meetings and invite them along, invite them to events etc, show them kindness by healing yourself so your strong enough when they are ready for the changes the will come (let me tell it is no picnic and sometimes you will think things were better before they got clean/sober), show them kindness by creating safe boundaries for you and your family, and show them kindness by allowing natural consequences to run their course.

You are going to want to fix everything and make it better, you are going to want to protect them, you are going to want to do all kinds of things for them, but this isn't kindness to an addict. To an addict this type of kindness is a reason for them to keep doing what they are doing, it is a reason for them to keep acting and treating people the way they always have, this kindness will kill them!

Yes, the real kindness is going to upset the apple cart, yes it is going to make them mad, it is going to make a lot of things happen. Make sure you are safe at all times, remember your safety and the safety of your family comes first if you are ever in danger call 911 right away.

The real kindness is going to lead down a scary road that is going to force you to stop focusing on them and their issues and start focusing on yours!

You got this! You are strong! Don't kill yourself or them with kindness!!!

Not your Hole!

I wrote this when I was in a stronger mindset, I wrote this before I got pulled down that hole again. I am posting this when I need to be strong again. I am posting this when I need to pull myself out of that hole.

There is an AA quote I remember from many years ago when my mom started AA. There is a man and he walks down the side walk and falls in a hole. The next day the man walks down the same side walk and falls in the same hole. The man blames the hole instead of crossing the road and walking on the side without any holes. This applies to doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

To me this works in a different light too, it works in a similar way as the addict you love falls in the hole every day and you can stand on the outside of the hole and work on your issues (yes we have issues and seriously ones too) and wait for the addict to hit the rocks at the bottom. We can stay on the outside but the moment we put our hand in the hole they will pull us down to bottom and use us to cushion their fall. We can stand on the outside and work on ourselves and one day we might see a head come above that hole, one day we might have to fill in that hole as we lay them to rest, or even walk away from the hole if we can not trust ourselves to not reach in. Some days you might hear them half way out and you can look in and say keep going you got this, but you can not reach in to aid them. They have to climb that hole on their own.

They made the hole, you didn't, they are either going to stay in it the rest of their lives or reach the top but either way ITS NOT YOUR HOLE!!!!

You may think but their mom, dad, aunt, uncle, sister, brother, dog, cat, or Albert from the first grade caused them so much pain that it's why they are in their hole and that's okay, but you still didn't put them there, its still not your hole.

You can water the grass and plant beautiful flowers all around that hole, its still not yours. You can make it the prettiest hole on the block it still wont force them out.

Only the addict can climb out of their hole, only the addict can stand proudly on their two feet on the outside of the hole. Its is not your recovery. Show them how beautiful recovery can be without rubbing it or gloating or nagging or anything else that you think might help. Just live, live your life. Be your beautiful self!

They will either join you in their own time or they wont and that is okay too. You are allowed to live your life!

Please remember the being there for them doesn't mean standing in the hole with them, or standing on the edge. It isn't being their to bail them out of jail or save their ass or cover for them. Also know that it is okay to walk away from the hole for your safety! Rocks come flying out of that hole at the speed of a jet plane, you don't have to stand and be hit by them you can move away. Be safe always!

So they will be homeless, broke and alone. That might be what they need you can not continue to be landed on if you want to heal yourself.

Its not your hole so get your ass out of it and plant some pretty fucking flowers.