Me

Somewhere at some point in the past year and a bit I have lost my whole heart. I have lost every inch of joy. I went from getting up early and walking 10km a day, going for lunch, loving life and everything in it, to "this". I am not even sure what "this" is. I have no desire to even get out of bed in the mornings.

Yes fibro is part of it, but I have struggled with that my whole life, even with the first brain injury I was still excited for life.

Now I can't get out of bed in the morning and even leaving the house is almost impossible. My body feels weird all the time kinda like its there but not really, shaky like I am having a hypoglycemic episode.

I had given up! I haven't found my mojo just yet but today I did something I have never ever done in my life, I took a yoga class and did it ALONE!!! no best friend by my side because she is really sick. Jess is my go to, she is the one that I feel safe with since my brain injury. She always goes with me when I need her to.

I had contacted two yoga places in Sarnia and decided to go with "My Yoga Sarnia" I was supposed to start before Christmas but didn't get a chance to. She knows about my brain injury and was happy to have me in class. I have never taken a yoga class before, I always taught stretch yoga at the end of a kickboxing class but thats about it.

I get to class today and I am unsure, normally this is where I would chicken out and not even go in the building but something in me today didn't even think about that. I get inside and there are women and even 1 man all on yoga mats the instructor introduces me they all smile and say high. Its people my age and older all different body types!!! Even the instructor doesn't have the "perfect" yoga body that everyone thinks of which is great! I love instructors who are real! Not what I had pictured in my mind lol.

I am on the floor the lights get turned off soft mediation music is playing, there are white Christmas lights offering a pale light in the room.We are in a circle on our mats and we start today we are focusing on our ankles and hips. oh wonderful is my thought process when we get to the left side because of the nerve damage I can't feel my left foot other than serve pain. Well I get it going and I am not doing to bad. We finish up with a sharka cleanse and that is it. No standing on my head with ankles behind my shoulders, gentle yoga!

I am dizzy after class and still dizzy a few hours later but I don't feel as heavy as I did, I can take a full breath in!!!

In class as I am learning to focus on my body and not allow my mind to wonder to other things (harder than one might think) I learned that I am always holding my body tense, I can't relax it, well thats because as soon as I do the fibro spasms are horrible and I always worry if others can see or even notice it. Well in class I did my best to allow the spasms to happen so I could relax enough to release all the horrible crap I have been hanging on to.

I feel better, not 100% yet but I will go back on Tuesday and Thursday next week. I know the full answer isn't yoga that I have to deal with the crap in my life that made me feel this way in the first place, but today I feel better about me, I feel lighter and I didn't feel judged at all in class!

The feel in that class room today was peace, acceptance and patience. It is a wonderful atmosphere and that is half the battle when teaching a group class.