If it wasn't for bad luck!

As the doctor at the hospital so kindly told me, "if it wasn't for bad luck, you wouldn't have any"
A few weeks ago the hatch let go on the back of my SUV and smacked me square in the side of my head (the same side the I feel on the concrete floor and gave myself a brain injury almost 2 years ago). I of course wait until the next hoping the I would feel better, nope that just not how things go for me. 

The hospital was fun I get there around 5pm. My head killing me, can barely stand or walk from the pain and dizziness. It takes 45 mins to get seen by triage, who kept asking me questions I didn't understand and then getting mad at me. After that they park me in a wheel chair in the waiting area. Where it is bright, loud and I want to die. I am in and out of sleep. Wanting to go home. 5 hours later I am seen by the doctor who sends me for a cat scan. They see no noticeable bleeds or fractures. He tells me its a minor brain injury, take Tylenol and go to bed. I spent 6 hours in unbearable pain for you to tell me that?

 Thank god I remember vaguely what to do from the last one. Very limited screen time, sleep when you need to, etc, etc.

I of course call my sports injury doctor and he gets me in right away. We go over everything he does a few tests on me to see where I am at. He is mad once again Sarnia hospital has let me down. He says its a serious injury and major concussion. He goes over everything I need to do and I see him again in a week. I call my family doctor....He is on vacation. I need to get into him ASAP so I can go to London to see the specialist. I finally get a hold of him and make an apt. It is for almost a month after the injury.

I wish you could see the brain injury on the outside. I wish people understood instead of just brushing it off. My family when I told them just said okay, they have no clue. My sister asked me to bake her a cake. Which I did but forgot to decorate it until the afternoon she needed it.

Things are different this time. I don't feel drunk which is nice, but the head pain and head aches are 100X's worse. I don't sleep as much as I did the first time even to the point where I can't sleep at times. I can't taste, this is hard to explain lol I can taste like thats sweet, thats sour etc but I can not taste things like the difference between one sour thing and the next. Everything tastes funny. I have zero appetite to the point I can go days without eating and not notice. My memory sucks. Looking at screens sucks. Trying to get client orders done sucks. I haven't cook since it happened because by the time dinner time comes I am spent and in the mornings I forget to put the stuff in the crock pot. Reading text on a screen is very hard and near impossible is there is a lot in one area, proof reading my blog posts is a nightmare.

Blaine is amazing like always. We had to leave gymnastics early the one day because the lights and everything going on was too much and he said it was okay. If I need to lay down for a few mins he says "its okay mom, rest your head" How is that a 4 year is more understanding and compassionate than grown people?

My to do list is 6 miles long and keeps growing. I do what I can to get through it but I need to let my brain heal, because I know when it does there will be another "new me" at the end. The last one changed me big time and this one is going to change me, again. Lol maybe I will be super hero this time around.

Time heals all including the brain. I just need to remember to slow down and let it do what it needs to.

Its been 3 weeks and some things have improved, but lots have remained the same. Like my ability to read at my normal speed and level, counting without thinking lol. Things we all take for granted and I am relearning how to do.

Post Traumatic Brain Injury Syndrome

Have you ever been drunk, that horrible everything spinning, feel sick with every movement, cant see or think straight?

I have and it wasn't caused by alcohol, it lasted for months. In January of this year I fell, smashed my head on the cement floor, knocked myself out for a couple mins and never thought anything of it. Ya I was sore and had a headache because well I just smacked my head on the floor. I went and laid down. When I woke up about an hour later I felt drunk, my head was killing me, and I couldn't even walk straight. Meh I figured I see my doctor on the upcoming Tuesday I will just talk to him about it then.

Here comes days of me feeling horrible, I can't think, my head hurts, I am dizzy, all I want to do is sleep and am sick. I head into the doctors I tell the nurse why I am there, just a script refill, and I tell her that I fell on the weekend and how I felt. She asked if I went to the emergency room, of course not why would I do that its just a little bonk on the head. She scolded me and I waited for the doctor to come in. Explained to him what happened, he asked if they did a brain scan at the hospital, I told him I didn't go, again with the scolding. He booked me a brain scan and explained what Post Traumatic Brain Injury Syndrome was. That I needed to see a sports injury doctor which I already do for my shoulder so I booked an appointment with him. Here I am thinking that everyone is over reacting. I go see him the next day still feeling the way I am, at this point I am barely leaving the house, I am confused and over whelmed by the smallest things and I can't get my brain to think straight.

Hello my wonderful sports injury doctor who has been there for me over the past 3 years with my shoulder and the other klutz injuries I get. Things are not okay at this point, I am not okay, this is not just a small bump to the head. I can't go into a store without getting lost, confused and breaking down. I feel stupid, I can't remember simple things that I should, day to day activities are beyond exhausting. I am used to the fibro fog, I am used the fribo exhaustion but this is different this is far more extreme. I cant go anywhere alone. Too much noise or commotion I am screwed and it causes so much confusion I don't know what to do. Sports doctor tells me we can't start rehab until the drunk symptoms go away, this takes weeks and its scary. I start rehab its a mix of starting small things, I can't even help a child with simple math at this point. I can't put memories in order still nothing makes sense. Even showering I would forget why I was in there and what I was doing.

Surprise they now tell you sleep is the best thing for concussions!!! its the way your brain heals itself.

Fast forward a few months I am doing better, but not 100% I still can't remember things, I am having trouble with simple words and math. I still can't put memories in order and don't tell me anything because I wont remember a few minutes later, I am getting confused. Sports doctor has me doing crosswords, it helped a lot but still I wasn't right. I was scared I was going to stuck like this. Stuck not being me, or the same ever again. My sports doctor explained it as I just dumped the entire file cabinet and and now my brain is trying to sort through it. At this point my full recovery isn't looking like its going to happen but he says the brain is a unique organ always changing so at the point where I feel like giving up I have a bit of hope.


Fast forward to today! I am 6 months since my fall. I am not 100% and at this point its a low chance I ever will be. I don't remember much of anything when told. My head hurts most of the time because of course me being me I over do it daily. I can't put together memories from the past properly, I get over whelmed and confused still but not as often or as bad. Numbers I still can't do, which sucks because I do all my business book work. I get flashes of memories and feelings and somethings trigger memories when this happens and I can't put it together or make sense of it I tend to get really really upset. I tell the same stories and information over and over again because I don't remember telling it. I don't remember dates or other important information. My business partner puts it in her phone for me because even in my phone I either forget my phone, lose it or forget to set the reminder. My brain still gets tried and can't focus. I do my best to work through it.

A lot of people don't understand a brain injury and they don't understand that I am hurt, I am broken, you just can't see it. I have been lucky I have had an amazing support team in place for the most part. Some days they get frustrated with me but then again I get mad at myself daily for my brain not working. I gave up getting mad and upset when I can't remember and have to look at it like this I don't remember that's okay, I will eventually and if I don't that's okay too, people can get mad at me all they want for forgetting its not going to change it and its their issue not mine. Getting mad and frustrated just makes things worse for me and causes my brain to go into panic mode which is useless.

I have to be careful because I am more likely to be hurt worse by a bump to the head then someone with out a prior injury. I have whats called Post Traumatic Brain Injury Syndrome and not everyone that hits their head gets it, not everyone who gets their head gets a concussion, not everyone who gets a concussion gets post traumatic brain injury syndrome. Its scary and I don't wish it upon anyone.

A few weeks ago I had severe face swelling to the point I couldn't open my eye. The pressure of it caused pressure to my healing brain and sent me into having symptoms just like day one again. I once again failed the light test and the finger test. I was scared once again that I was stuck like that but thankfully after the swelling went again completely so did the drunk feeling.

If you hit your head and it causes you to pass out for any amount of time please get looked at, there is help out there for people who have PTBIS you just have to ask, even if you hate the idea of doing so.
No matter what anyone says allow your brain time to heal and its okay, you are okay and doing the best you can each day. Take a breath when you get confused. Focus on something right in front of you, cover your ears, touch your support person or call your support person, its okay. Its okay to have better days than others and its okay if you are never the same again. Love who you are now. The memories that I can't remember I look at it like this, well if I can't remember then I guess it didn't happen, don't stress yourself into a panic over a memory its not worth it.

You are perfect just the way you are. Live one moment at a time!!!

http://www.braininjurynetwork.org/thesurvivorsviewpoint/posttbisyndrome.html