Perfectionism my arch nemesis

Perfectionism not only is it a mouthful of a word it is also something I struggle with. Its not the ideal thing to struggle with when you have the medical issues that I have as many of them prevent me from going above and beyond like I used to.

My home was spotless, you could eat off my floors, then I had many, many fosters and a few special children graced my home. My house being spotless was so important to me I scrubbed my hardwood floors to ruin.

Fast forward to now I don't even like my friends or family coming into my home because it is no longer perfect in my eyes. I can no longer scrub everything daily, they all tell me that it looks lived, well to me lived in looks horrible. There used to be a place for everything and everything was in that place.
One day when rescues and my son are not my whole world and their needs don't come before all else, my home will be clean once again and everything will be back in that place.

Helping others, how does that fall under perfectionism? Giving my all to make sure that anyone who needs anything no mater what is already on plate. Making sure that I am the reliable one, the perfect one who is always there. This creates an inability to say no to anything that is asked of me.

Relationships? Being the one who is everything my partner could possibly want or need. Being better then their last partner, making sure I am “perfect” This results in consent insecurities which creates its own issues within the relationship including doubt the other person wants to be with you.

Friendships!!! Yes it even has its ugly tentacles in this part of the my life as well. Here is causes my poor friends who I am closest to get the shaft, I am too busy trying to be perfect in all the other aspects of my life to have time to spend with them. I try very hard but by the end of the day I am so done with life that I just want to sleep.

Being a mom, oh the big wide world of mom wars, who is better, who lost all the baby weight, who has the best kids and OMG did she really just let her kid eat sand? Yes, yes I did because I learned caring for my niece and nephew and of course the many other children who came though my doors that there are far worse things they could put in their mouths. I was not your typical first time mom because of my experiences with the other children. It seems I fight my perfection with my son because I don't want him to ever have to think he is never good enough like the way I do.

Being a women, well now this is hard one with women always beating on one another. How they look, what they do, their weight, even right down to their eye brows. I have never been one to worry about make up or my clothing, not even my hair, my family can atest to that one. Always making comments when I haven't brushed it that day or even when I do. As a women what I do is I worry that my home isn't perfect, my meals are not perfect, that I do not work outside the home. We are judged for doing, we are judged for not doing as women we can not win.

Body Image this is a topic all on its own. I have spoken before of my struggles with my body since a very young age. The fight to have the prefect body is something I struggle with everyday. I battle with anorexia. Its a consent inner struggle when I do eat, if I miss a work out, how my clothes fit and and how I feel in my eyes that I look in my clothes. This is something I battle with daily and something that it seems no matter how much mental changes I make and changes in my thinking it isn't changing, for now anyway, maybe one day!!

https://www.slideshare.net/ddertili/perfection-based-on-possibilities

Homeschooling is going to be tough for me, no tougher than him going to school as parents everywhere are competitive about how their child can do this already etc etc. I need to remind myself daily that it is not about me, it is not about others it is about Blaine and what he needs at that time. If he can't do it today that is okay, its all about encouraging him to do his possible best, not what I feel his best should be.

Being perfect is something that a lot of people struggle with. Being a women makes it double hard it seems. I am reading the book Fucked right now which I will talk about in another post, but it touches greatly on how other women and society have pretty much molded us into self hating and attacking others to make us feel better about our own flaws.

Are you a perfectionist? How does it impact your life?